A crone can refer to a wise, mature woman. One we look up to, at times, for spiritual guidance, wisdom or sage advice. On the flipside is the hag: unattractive, withered and unpleasant. But either way, we older women are seen as both— depending on whose perspective it’s from. Like it or not, this happens to all us females of the species lucky enough to have stayed alive this long.

            How about embracing our elderhood? We’ve made it this far on the top side of the ground so let’s celebrate it. Not everyone gets here. In many ancient cultures ‘the elders’ were greatly respected. Knowledge resides not in those young egos, but in the calm stillness of surviving, and hopefully thriving, over the long haul. It’s a time to cherish each minute, hour, day, year…

            Hey, you younger nymphs out there— don’t kid yourself. You can’t possibly have all the answers. You simply haven’t been around long enough. Find a worthy crone and be open to the idea that she may offer a broader perspective. Just an idea. Do with it what you feel is best. I just wish my parents were still around to ask the questions that are just now coming to mind. We’re so overwhelmed during our “sandwich years” (raising our own families, working at a career, and sometimes caring for an aging parent…) that we can’t even begin to formulate the questions we may have. Or to take the time to truly listen. Is this by grand design? If so, what a rotten trick. Whatever the reason, we’re always left with so much to figure out on our own.

            But there are resources out there. Many of them. And some would love the opportunity to provide this helpful service. Just ask and be receptive to perhaps a different take on things.

            We crones now have the opportunity to be connoisseurs of “New”. We have a fresh freedom unleashed within us to explore what we haven’t before. We’re no longer tethered to raising kids and putting ourselves last. It’s our time now and it’s way overdue. However, “New” often requires us to get out of our comfort zone, at least a little bit. Sometimes just going on a date with ourselves (no one else) can be a fun way to do something that a friend may not be up for. And it’s possible we’ll find that we’re not too bad of company to be alone with. It could be a lunch out, or an outing to the zoo or a museum, or a bolder solo road trip. In The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron encourages us to do this on a regular basis. And I think it builds character while we’re at it.

            Then there’s the whole body-image thing going on while our physical being seems to transform daily—and not in a good way. If I dare wear a two-piece swim suit to the beach, hoping for some mostly all-over color and maximum vitamin D absorption, I hope to God that I don’t see anybody I know. I think all of us crones have some of that insecurity and try to cover up these perceived “flaws” the best we can. But how sad is that? No, we don’t look like we did in our younger years, we can’t. But it should not be expected that we would. I’m trying to embrace aging gracefully and be more accepting of what comes. Not an easy task.

            With a longer life a certain resilience forms. Without it, we’d be gone long ago. We have an easier time letting go of expectations when the years have pounded in the message that tomorrow is simply not to be expected. And speaking of letting go, we learn that enough is enough, materialistically. I mean, should we really put an inordinate amount of work onto our kids to have to sort through all our stuff when we’re gone? 

            Once we are on top of our death cleaning then it frees up time for creativity and personal growth. We may step into our authentic selves with more confidence. Another perk: older adults tend to have more relaxed, stronger relationships without the drama of youth. That feels true. I hope to keep choosing to embrace my hagitude and live as fully as I can in the here and now. And, hopefully, in the ongoing present as well. Cheers to finding your “New”.

Chi Varnado has published six books including fiction, nonfiction and children’s books. They are available on www.amazon.com. Her collection of essays, Quail Mutterings, can be found on www.chivarnado.com or www.dancecentrepresents.com.

She is available to adults and children for fun tutoring in writing. Her Plein Air Writers group meets from 10:00 to 11:00 AM at Dos Picos Park by the pond on the first and third Saturdays of July and August. If interested just show up with a $10 cash donation and paper and pen (or laptop) to follow your creative muse.

           To find fellowship—isn’t that what we all want? Fellowship with our family, friends, neighbors, as well as with our larger social circle can provide a sense of belonging as well as a buffer zone to who or what might lurk out there.

            In the fall of 2003, after we lost everything in the Cedar Fire, we went to a meeting held in a dirt lot in Fernbrook. Our district’s County Supervisor, Dianne Jacob, was there to take note of the types of services we might be in need of. But beyond that, I felt such an overwhelming sense of fellowship with everyone there. We now all shared a commonality with each other. And that alone was a strong and palpable bond, even if we didn’t know everybody.

            But fellowship can encompass an infinite range of circumstances. I can take a walk up the mountain, look toward the sky, and sometimes feel bowled over from the connection I feel with the beautiful clouds dancing in the breeze. Sort of “being one with them.” Or if a squirrel is on the boulder just outside my bedroom window, looking in at me, and at the same moment I happen to glance out, this also provides a kind of connection. I smile and say, “Hi.”

            And then there are those training sessions through work or other organizations during which we’re sectioned into groups to practice together or perhaps to compete against the other groups. Then we are in a state of amity with each other. Sort of like, “We’re in this together.” Sports and tribal groups can fall into this category. It’s helpful to recognize that our involvement in these situations can lead to herd attitudes.

            But fellowship can also occur spontaneously like when we’re standing in the checkout line at the grocery store and engage with someone else—either a nod, a laugh, or just a few words exchanged. This alone can sometimes make my day and lift my mood for longer than you’d think.

            Just the other night we had a potluck dinner with a couple who are close, longtime friends. Anyway, as life happens it had been a number of years since the four of us got together to share a meal. Yes, far too long. But it’s so rewarding to have friends like this that we can feel like we can pick up where we’d left off no matter how long it’s been. Time doesn’t always have to feel linear.

So, where do you find fellowship? Today, I’m hanging out with my dog, Zelda. We started out with a walk down the dirt road, then later she kept me company while I took a sunbath (collecting vitamin D). Now she’s lying at my feet outside as I write this. A quiet camaraderie on a Sunday afternoon. We both know the other is there, and there’s a comfort in that.

Chi Varnado has published six books including fiction, nonfiction and children’s books. They are available on www.amazon.com. Her collection of essays, Quail Mutterings, can be found on www.chivarnado.com or www.dancecentrepresents.com.

She is available to adults and children for fun tutoring in writing. Her Outdoor Writers group is meeting from 10:00 to 11:00 AM at Dos Picos Park by the pond on Saturdays July 5 and 19. If interested just show up with a $10 cash donation and paper and pen (or laptop) to follow your creative muse.

           What does it mean to “fall from grace”? I suppose it depends on how you define ‘grace’, as it can have multiple meanings. It can simply refer to a pleasing or favorable quality; or to God’s love; to elegance of movement; a prayer before a meal; a period of time granted to fulfill an obligation… So you see, there are many ways to fall from grace.

            Losing status, respect, or prestige injures our egos. Losing a job, a relationship, an important contract, or failing a test can leave us crushed and feeling sorry for ourselves, but this can pass if we allow it. I think that can be the hard part. We tend to get stuck in how we feel about something, then find it difficult to let it go (as Elsa sings) and move on to more positive thoughts and feelings. After all, our thoughts really do dictate our feelings. It’s all up to us to rise from within. Nobody else can do it for us—each one of us has to take on the work. I realize for some this can be harder than for others, but the same still holds true.

            I suppose I fell from grace after dissolving my Dance Centre, ending thirty-seven years of teaching ballet and gymnastics. As I age, my once graceful body and limbs feel less and less so. It’s quite humbling, but I’m continually trying to make peace with it. And I guess another time I fell from grace was when I decided to major in Dance at SDSU instead of math or science like my parents expected. The result being that I had to fund most of college myself. But probably the worst kind of descent is when we disappoint ourselves and know that we haven’t done our best.

            The times I went against my better judgement and did something that someone else assured me was fine, left me kicking myself for not trusting or not following my own intuition. Like when my husband assured me that the snake right outside the door was a rattler, so the poor gopher snake died needlessly. Or when he convinced me that his ‘hairbrained’ route somewhere ended up making us over two hours late. Poor guy, I’ll try not to pick on him. Sometimes it can be uncomfortable to not go along with someone else’s idea, but important to do so anyway. Better to stop and think before reacting, then there’ll be less to feel guilty about.

            Holding grudges is another one of those things. They don’t do us any good. They often don’t make any difference to the other person. Therefore, the only one they have any real effect on is ourselves. It brings our energy down and we fall from grace—over and over and over again. Every time we think about it.

            In a lot of ways, animals can be light years ahead of us, at least in the way some of them handle their outward emotions. I remember when my mom was nearing the end of her life and confined to her bed. Referring to her dogs, she often commented how much better they were at being in the present moment. “They’re so accepting of whatever is.” She was wishing she could be more like that and not have such fear. Don’t we all?   

            To me, it seems that living with grace goes hand-in-hand with being grateful—all the time. It elevates the mood and makes us and those around us smile. I’m trying to hold this in mind as much as I can, especially when things happening around me make that difficult. Stop, take a deep breath, remember the things I have to be grateful for, and elevate myself above whatever situation is pulling me down. Anyway, that’s what I’m striving for. Does anyone want to join in?

Chi Varnado has published six books including fiction, nonfiction and children’s books. They are available on www.amazon.com. Her collection of essays, Quail Mutterings, can be found on www.chivarnado.com or www.dancecentrepresents.com. She is available to adults and children for fun tutoring in writing.