QUAIL MUTTERINGS #42. Stretching Out (October 2016)

QUAIL MUTTERINGS #42. Stretching Out (October 2016)

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I’m actually stealing away for about half an hour or so during a prep period in a substitute teaching job. It’s rare, but when this happens I seize the opportunity to write. I feel fortunate today that I get to be outside most of the day overseeing PE classes out on the track. At least I’m not cooped up inside behind closed doors under florescent lighting. Carpe diem!
This weekend was bitter-sweet for me as our youngest flew the nest. Again. For a mom, each time this happens it creates a tug on the heart strings even when I know that it’s for the best. First, his coming and going during college breaks; and then, returning home after graduation. Working locally, it made sense for Chance to live at home and pay rent. Almost a year-and-a-half later he’s moving down the hill, to the city, to live with his sister, Kali, and her family. This will help them with their mortgage and he will be closer to the kind of energy that seems to fuel a millennial’s psyche. Logically, it’s a win-win for everyone and I know it’s what he needs. But I still have to go through my own grieving process as Chance moves out yet again. However, this time feels more permanent.
Milo, our big yellow cat, will miss him too. He’s used to Chance carrying him around outside on the porch for a shoulder ride, almost daily. For an inside kitty this is a special treat. I’ll miss the little unexpected connections we share. Just the other evening we watched three deer frolic on the hillside. We’ve often seen a big doe wander through the front yard and stop for a drink from the water trough fountain. At dusk a bobcat’s whisper-bark grabs our attention. A few nights ago I woke to a coyote’s yipping just outside the bedroom window. In the mornings, pre-dawn, as we are all up by then, the owls serenade us in the last hours of darkness. I’m grateful that I’m not moving to the city.

(One week later: During the next sub job’s prep period)
Chance isn’t the only one stretching his wings. I, too, am trying to reach beyond the usual parameters of my life. It had been a year of not hearing back from a literary agent who had agreed to re-read a manuscript I’d written, if I reworked it as to her suggestions. When I’d mailed it I had included a self-addressed, stamped envelope for her response so I should have at least gotten that back. I finally got up the nerve to call the phone number for the agency and, after punching the numbers for the appropriate prompts, I actually reached her. In person! She had moved her office and had not received all her mail so she gave me the new address so that I could send it again. I’m not keeping my fingers crossed, since the likelihood of actually getting picked up by a New York agent is next to nil, but I had at least followed through to the best of my ability. I’ve done what I can.
My husband, Kent, is upping his game too. He is going to run in the USATF National Club Cross Country Championships in Florida, this December. He’s joined a team of seniors to race together in Tallahassee. My spouse has found a new niche with these guys. He looks forward to the races where they share fun camaraderie afterwards no matter how they have placed. And, of course, he still runs a million miles every morning.
We’re looking forward to our adventure in Florida. We’ll probably visit a few relatives, speckled throughout the state, during the week leading up to the competition. Neither one of us has ever been to the Everglades so we plan on checking out the swamps and coastlines in that area as well. There’s always something to look forward to when you shake up your routine every so often. It feels good to spice things up a little and add to the old memory banks. We’re trying to do these kinds of things while we still can.

Chi Varnado is a contributing writer for The San Diego Reader. Her memoir, A CANYON TRILOGY: Life Before, During and After the Cedar Fire and her children’s book, The Tale of Broken Tail are available on www.amazon.com. Her collection of essays, Quail Mutterings, can be found on www.chivarnado.com.

QUAIL MUTTERINGS #41. Letting Go and Reassessing (August 22, 2016)

QUAIL MUTTERINGS #41.  Letting Go and Reassessing (August 22, 2016)

I suppose there is always some fear associated with a free fall although mine wasn’t, or isn’t, really unplanned. I knew it would be difficult. I would miss the kids as well as creating in that particular art form. After thirty-seven years of teaching dance I had decided to take down my shingle and close up shop. I still loved what I did, but there were other things that beckoned me that there simply wasn’t time for. And there never would be if I continued to hang onto something that I had been doing for so long. Granted, it was huge part of who I was, but in order to grow I needed to get out of my comfort zone and allow myself more time to be available for other things. Things like writing, being an involved grandparent, and sharing our canyon with visitors who needed an escape into nature (our new ecotourism business).
By the end of April The Dance Centre had performed its last story ballet and I had sorted, sold, donated or stored all of the costumes, equipment and accessories which had called the place home since the 1980’s. After taking the last load out and cleaning the studio I fought back tears as I locked the door behind me for the final time. Since then I’ve had to bury my feelings and only allow them to surface in manageable doses, every now and then. In the meantime plenty has happened.
On May 9th my daughter, Kali, gave birth to little Kya and I was thrilled to be there in my motherly/grandmotherly/doula capacity. It was a true honor and privilege to be there to welcome our third grandchild into the family. Kali and Edwin worked well as a team to lovingly bring their new daughter into the world. And the same midwife who had delivered all three of my kids was there to bring it around full circle. A second time. She had also been there to assist Jessie through her labor. Now, both of my daughters had home births, just as they had gone through as babies on the other end of the spectrum. My mom had been in the role which I now am in and I can only hope that my presence is appreciated as much to them as she was to me.
From late May into June Kent and I spent close to a month away. We were on the East Coast with relatives for the first week and the rest was spent in France and Italy where we branched out to experience other cultures. Towards the end of July I went with my sister and a couple of female friends to stay at our cousin’s house in Costa Rica. We managed to squeeze a week in the tropical paradise just before their house closed escrow and would be gone from us forever. Sometimes you just gotta jump on those things!
These adventures have undoubtedly helped distract me from the many mixed feelings surrounding the finished chapter of my previous dancing life. There are certain things which I am definitely happy not to have to spend my valuable time doing. The bookkeeping, for instance, and all the paper/computer work. Cleaning the studio and budgeting for advertizing. Phone calls arranging extra rehearsal times. And, my driving time. Then – occupied by figuring out what I was going to teach in the classes that day, and now – listening to books on tape, music, or better yet: quiet, uninterrupted free thoughts. I don’t have to make myself think up an order of dance moves and then try to retain it all until it could be passed on to the dancers’ bodies. Yes, I really do like having my brain space freed up for extraneous thoughts that come and go.
It’s all about balance. I need time to putter. I think it might be one of my favorite things to do. Perhaps because it’s so rare to snatch a bit of time from our busy schedules and allow ourselves the pleasure of simply drifting from one task to the next. And to use the opportunity to be mindful of our actions during the process. Kent and I like to go to Deer Park every so often to get our dose of Buddhism and practice mindfulness in a supportive community. It’s hard to be mindful when we’re running around in so many directions at once. Yesterday we acknowledged the fourteen mindfulness trainings after doing walking meditation and then listening to one of the nuns give a Dharma talk. We used headsets and listened to a translator since this week’s Dharma Talk was in Vietnamese. The trainings focus on good, honest, compassionate existence with all of creation. Just imagine if every human on the planet communicated with words of loving kindness and inclusiveness rather than dualistic, separatist talk. What a place that could be. As close a thing to utopia as I can see.
So while I continue to struggle with keeping a balance in my life between work, obligations, maintaining community and family, and taking time to just smile and breathe, I realize that it will always be so. I will constantly need to let go and reassess to maintain an equilibrium in life. At least I know that it’s something worth doing. And redoing.

Chi Varnado is a contributing writer for The San Diego Reader. Her memoir, A CANYON TRILOGY: Life Before, During and After the Cedar Fire and her children’s book, The Tale of Broken Tail are available on www.amazon.com. Her collection of essays, Quail Mutterings, can be found on www.chivarnado.com.

QUAIL MUTTERINGS #40. A Hop, Skip and a Jump Away (June 27, 2016)

Bread, bread, bread! But darn good bread. Not like what we have here in the States. And croissants! All baked fresh daily and full of yeasty gusto. The French really do have a leg up on us in the food department. So rich, vibrant and passionately prepared and presented.
Kent and I returned from France and Italy a week ago only to hit the ground running, tending to all the things needing attention here on the homestead. But over there, distanced from our day-to-day schedules, we were able to feel more present with what was right in front of us. To take the time to walk, or sit, drink wine or eat gelato… Even so, we managed to keep up with our exercise routines, more or less.
One morning we ran to the outskirts of the town and up one of the surrounding mountains. We jogged up rabbit trails, alongside fields of tomatoes and through voluptuous vineyards. Lots and lots of vineyards. From the top we enjoyed the absolutely beyond-words beautiful view of the agricultural valleys which lay all around us. Nestled in the center was the village of Alba. This is the region where the slow food movement was born. The area is also known for its white truffles, although not in season until the fall.
In the Languedoc region in France we enjoyed sampling the multitude of local wines while floating down the Canal du Midi on a barge. Bicycling or walking along the tow paths, where horses or oxen used to pull the barges, we spotted flamingoes in a marsh, melons growing in cultivated fields and horses grazing in pastures. We drifted past gypsies fishing from the banks, old barges and boats tied at the shore in disrepair, preoccupied river rats skirmishing around the tree roots at the edges of the water. The canal follows the lay of the land so as the terrain rises or falls the barge must go into a lock where the water is pumped in or out, changing its height to the required level for the next segment of waterway. An adventure in and of itself. Arching bridges covered in moss grace the tree-lined canal every couple of miles or so.
The train strikes made our travel days rather difficult and stressful. For instance, our first day: landing in Milan mid-day, after flying over the Atlantic, there was no easy way (that day) to get down to Cinque Terre. We should have been able to arrive at our destination by 4:00 in the afternoon. But no. “The regular trains are on strike today, Madam.” To make a long story short, we managed to patch together a hodge-podge of bus and short train rides (a lot of just sitting on the tracks) southbound to finally arrive to the little village of Corniglia at 11:00 PM. The last shuttle up the hill was at 6:00 PM so we had no choice but to trudge up the mile-long steep, narrow road dragging our suitcases and shouldering our backpacks. Nothing like being in the moment.
Provence was where we spent the most time. We stayed in a few different Airbnbs so we could check them out (and perhaps get a partial tax write off for our own business). One of the reasons I’d wanted to go to France was because it’s where my ancestors were from. I felt drawn. Ancient villages with narrow cobblestone streets flanked by towering walls hold dark secrets of the Middle Ages. Aromas of tasty sauces and baking bread still waft from those windows and doorways. A secluded, rural monastery survived countless wars by being self-supporting, growing its own food. I was impressed by its massive size. Some monuments date back to BC. Mind boggling.
Kent and I visited the Arena in Nimes. I loved how it’s just part of the city, not off by itself merely a tourist attraction. It’s currently in use for concerts and events. One can walk up and down the huge, precarious steps and around the top corridors which allowed for incredible views of the city’s steeples. I could almost smell the blood of the bull fights and the gladiators battling to the death thousands of years ago. If this amazing historical behemoth was in the U.S. it would most likely be roped off. One would not be allowed in certain areas or to perch on dangerously high and probably structurally unsound precipices. Too many potential lawsuits. But, I guess in France, you’re allowed to take your life in your own hands. To be accountable. This wasn’t the only place like this. We hiked up a steep hill to the crumbling Fort Buoux. The fortification stood atop a craggy ridge with sheer drop offs of hundreds of feet. Again, no restraints. We ducked in and out of sunken rooms and gazed out over the rugged countryside. Breath taking.
These were the things which inspired me. Not the cities. And not racing around from place to place in a tizzy attempting to cram in all the sites. Some yes, but it wasn’t our focus. It was fine with us to just gaze up at the laundry hanging from balconies drying in the breeze. We wanted to allow the time to simply be in the place. To reconnect with each other, which is difficult to do with busy schedules and heavy work loads. We came home to feverishly get the place up to snuff for our own Airbnb rentals. One day, after cleaning all the windows and screens in the house, I was reminded to stop and be present as my friend and I watched a beautiful doe amble down the hill toward the porch and over to the trough/fountain for a drink of water. We sat and talked for over an hour enhanced by the presence of nature. And, lucky for us, a bobcat has been serenading us every evening since we got back.

Chi Varnado is a contributing writer for The San Diego Reader. Her memoir, A CANYON TRILOGY: Life Before, During and After the Cedar Fire and her children’s book, The Tale of Broken Tail are available on www.amazon.com. Her collection of essays, Quail Mutterings, can be found on www.chivarnado.com.