First, let me preface the following Psycho Rant with an apology. I usually try to find the positive in things, but recently have found it to be a lot more challenging. This piece is more of a journal entry than an essay. As we know, writing can be cathartic in many ways. It can allow us to gain perspective on things that we’re too close to. If you choose to keep reading, then please follow through to the end. The diatribe most definitely needs a follow up.

Psycho Rant

Bloody hell! I worry that this may indeed be my unraveling. It’s not just this, it’s almost everything—at least that’s what it feels like. Besides it being over half a year into this pandemic, there’s extreme polarized politics; global unrest; extreme weather conditions, fire storms, and hurricanes of unprecedented strength, resulting from our changing climate…. I apologize, in advance, for my rant. I usually try to focus on the positive, but I’m failing miserably at that too.  

            These stresses take their toll on our world, as well as our bodies. Nervous ticks; sore teeth and jaws from clenching and grinding; strange skin eruptions; changes in vision; peripheral numbness; eating disorders. The list of symptoms does not stop here. Are they all related? What’s causing them? Is it a systemic problem that our whole world shares and we can’t help but absorb some of it into our own physical bodies—whether we realize it or not? After all, everything is connected—and relative.

            Our societies, circles of friends, and families are being torn apart. One side is on the left and the other right. Some believe the disease is a hoax, some are absolutely terrified of it. And there is hypocrisy on every front. Our behavior has gone down the toilet. We’ve stopped seeing others as people, burying empathy. What would Jesus do? Or Buddha, or Mohammed?

            There is so much that is wrong right now. I can hardly stand it. I’m not holding up well at all—and I’m not alone in this. But I am. The lack of community that we’re all experiencing, along with so many other things, is definitely taking its toll—on our health, both physical and emotional; and on our relationships. And I don’t have an answer.

            But I do try to see some friends. We physical distance outside in my yard, bringing our own chairs, drinks, snacks, and, of course, masks – in case we get too close. Regular bathing and shampooing kind of lose their necessity. But there’s no breaking of bread together or hugging. And yes, it’s better than nothing. But yet, it’s severely lacking and I’m about ready to break.

            And I digress further. We really are trying to be extra careful and do our due diligence to help slow down or prevent the spread of this horrible virus. When I see groups of people gathering together, with no masks, I sometimes wish that I didn’t worry about such things. That I could somehow buy into that free-living view. But I can’t. I did take science courses in college, and was raised by very intelligent, educated, science-respecting parents and grandparents. And no—I don’t buy into ALL of either side. But when in doubt, isn’t it safer to err on the side of caution? For now—I’m still there.  

            I don’t think that this is only my cry for help. It’s coming from all of us. We’re no longer whimpering—we’re wailing. Usually the stronger help rescue the weaker, or the healthy take care of the sick. But now we are all on that sinking ship with no one out there to save us. Bloody hell!

Follow Up

I asked my sister if this Quail Mutterings was too much. She said, “It’s perfect and it’s also too much.” But a part of me wanted to show that even though I have so much to be grateful for, I also succumb to emotional turmoil. I imagine we all do.

            Even though the pandemic probably won’t go away any time soon, not everything has changed for the worse. We certainly don’t take as much for granted anymore: time spent with friends and family, going out to eat or see a movie, traveling. We have slowed down, perhaps in fits and starts, and taken more time to look around us and be more present. And that’s a good thing.

            Just yesterday, I kept going out on the porch—called by the birdsongs and gentle breezes. The temperature was perfect, and twice, I saw deer. In the morning, a doe with two juvenile fawns was crossing the field. Later, I watched them drink from our water-trough-fountain.

            Then I remembered the metaphor that my sister talked about. It’s like when a deer crosses a meadow. She needs to keep going across the open areas to get to the safety of the other side. And, like her, we also need to continue on to get safely to the other side of this pandemic. Perhaps that’s what we should strive for. Tread lightly, smell the air, and wander meditatively. Thank you for reading this to the end. We really are all in this together.

Sometimes I just stand there. That’s all—and it’s enough. I might walk a ways, stop, and then look around. The sun warms my back, the chilly wind makes me shiver, and the scenery rewards my eyes. I simply stand there, gazing all around: the mountains, the brilliant green creek bed, lilacs in full bloom… The creek both rages and trickles while providing the perfect habitat for the frogs who serenade our nights; and the birds come to life this time of year.

This spring is different, and the reasons for my stopping more and just being are not the same at all. While I love staying here in the canyon, worry seeps into my bones like the cold. We’re always surrounded by the unknown, but not always conscious of its existence. But I sure am now—we all are!

It’s a good thing that so many are able to work from home, but not all are so fortunate. There must be a lot of concern for those whose livelihoods are considered essential, even if it does mean they get a paycheck. For others, like us, our outside work has completely screeched to a halt, with no earnings to replace it. But we’re fortunate. We can forage greens from the creek bed to stir fry or put in salads, and pick a few things from our modest garden.

Once a week we venture into town to the farm stands and health food store— all decked out in masks, gloves and goggles—to gather the freshest food we can possibly get. After all—food is medicine and it seems to me that it’s particularly important now to make the wisest choices as to what we put into our bodies. Boosting our immune systems and being as healthy as we possibly can, particularly now, feels extraordinarily important. Each day, I try to include exercise, meditation, healthy eating, absorbing natural vitamin D from the sun, working on manuscripts, house and yard work—the list continues. But on any given day, I can’t say that I’m one hundred percent successful.

One thing is certain though. I have to spend some portion of each day outside, surrounded in nature. She’s still there: blooming, flying, seeping, nest building, rippling and cawing. This is my sustenance and reminder that I’m still here—with the living. I miss our friends and family terribly. I truly wish the best for everyone.

My usual relentless inner drive has softened, with the shift our world is facing these days. I no longer adhere to my own self-imposed deadlines like I used to. It’s harder to stay focused and I’m easily side-tracked. Perhaps it’s why I wander a little—stop—stare. If anybody was watching, they might think that I’ve lost my faculties. And maybe I have, because I find myself doing this more often now.

How about you? Am I alone in this? What do you think about?

Chi Varnado’s latest novel, The Dance Centre Presents Giselle, the first book in her brand new MG/YA series, released in March 2020! Her memoir, A CANYON TRILOGY: Life Before, During and After the Cedar Fire and her children’s book, The Tale of Broken Tail are also available on www.amazon.com. Her collection of essays, Quail Mutterings, can be found on www.chivarnado.com. You can follow us on www.Facebook.com/dancecentrepresents.

                    QUAIL MUTTERINGS #56.  Family Dirt (August 2019)

When I was a kid, during the 50’s and 60’s, there were a lot of things that people didn’t talk about. Or was that just my family? Such as the reason why I had to get on and off the school bus at a stop where we didn’t live, or my mom’s childhood traumas – which she never shared with my sister and me, or our severely dysfunctional home life… This guarded mode of communication was simply our way. I remember hearing, and believing, the grownups talking about so-and-so having to get counseling because they couldn’t buck up and cope. It just meant that they were weak in the head. This talk mostly came from my relatives in the deep south – rural Mississippi, where we “vis’ted” every summer.

Things finally came to a head for me in 2003. My mother died too young from a brain tumor; the Cedar Fire burned all of our houses and possessions to the ground; and a teenage daughter rebelled tumultuously, ripping my already ravaged heart out of my chest and shattering it into a million pieces. Guess who was weak in the head then.

At this point, it wasn’t a choice. Words poured out onto pages and pages which eventually became a memoir. I’d had idle thoughts about perhaps someday writing a book about dance, when I was too old and feeble to do anything else. But this force welled up inside me and took over. It blew everything right out of the water: the secrets, the discrepancies and the half-truths. Evidently, sweeping things under the rug only lasts so long.

Since that time I’ve learned, and practiced, some other coping skills which allow the dirt to filter and move on through. Dance, of course, is great therapy. Between the pulse in the music and the exhausting physical demands the dirt begins to shake loose and sometimes, if you move fast enough, you can escape the majority of it landing back on you and finding its way into your pores again. I love hiking out in nature and breathing that fresh air and mindfully taking those steps required to rise above the toxic haze.

Family dirt seems to require more than what exercise and meditation can provide. It gets embedded under your fingernails. This is true for both the literal and figurative kinds. It needs cleaning out from time-to-time – regular maintenance stuff. And that includes cutting into the quick sometimes, even if it hurts. Hopefully, before we have to dig too deeply, we can attempt to utilize loving speech and carefully chosen words to help loosen the firmly packed darkness, in order to continue to get along. And no, it’s not perfect, nothing really is. We’re all just muddling through the best we can – each with our own set of strengths and weaknesses.

Our own families see the worst of us, but we need them as our safety net, to be ourselves. This also means that we must also provide this for them.  Hopefully, we don’t blow it too badly and those around us will be somewhat forgiving. As parents, our job is never really done. Damn, do I always have to be the grownup here? Sometimes we have to lift up the carpet and see what dirt is there, and actually do something about it. Talk, walk, meditate, dance, journal…

But please don’t slam the door on me simply because I was the one to rip off the bandade. It was barely hanging on anyway, and the dried blood was crumbling all over. I’m sorry, but someone had to do it. And, of course, this is only my point of view. I can only hope that sooner or later you will tell me yours.

Chi Varnado is working on a new MG/YA series about a dance studio. Her memoir, A CANYON TRILOGY: Life Before, During and After the Cedar Fire and her children’s book, The Tale of Broken Tail are available on www.amazon.com. Her collection of essays, Quail Mutterings, can be found on www.chivarnado.com. You can follow us on www.Facebook.com/gnomewoodcanyon.