Tag Archives: dance.

QUAIL MUTTERINGS #51. Just Another Cog in the Wheel (July 2018)

Posted on by

I drove along Main Street this morning, very slowly, wanting to observe the local businesses opening up for the day. I thought back to summers past, when I, too, would open the doors of Town Hall and sweep the steps and sidewalk leading out to Main Street, preparing for the first dance class of the morning. I reminisce quite often about the dance career I left behind two years ago, deciding to let it go after thirty-seven years – in order to make room for other things in my life. Of course, I miss it, but now I can focus more on grandchildren, my writing, and taking care of our rural property and home.

It’s not that I have copious amounts of free time on my hands, but it feels even more important now for me to pause and reflect and take time out for silence and stillness. And driving slowly along Main Street – taking stock of other’s occupations – somehow connects me to that ongoing current of livelihood. We’re all cogs in this massive wheel.

Now that my current YA manuscript about a dance studio is finished, for the moment, anyway, I’m sending query letters to literary agents seeking representation for my work. It’s not very exciting – on the computer clicking through screen after screen after screen, and logging rejections. This process saps my energy and leads to self-doubt, blurry vision, and a plethora of other rather unpleasant side effects. I know – poor me. What a sob story. Maybe I’ll start reworking another manuscript that’s been sitting a few years.

Since summer arrived, I seem to have hit some kind of wall. One that feels very foreign and a little scary. That usual “To do” voice in my head, which has been badgering me almost nonstop for practically my whole life, is much quieter now and not so insistent. Or perhaps I’m becoming hard-of-hearing as I enter into my seventh decade of life. Or just lazy? This lethargy, for lack of anything else to call it, is a bizarre new feeling. I’ve never been a procrastinator and I get things done in a timely fashion. By the way, there are down sides to this. Needing to constantly accomplish things is an exhausting, never-ending, vicious cycle, with very little down time. Once you finish one thing, and check it off your list, another one pops up in its place.

My manic work ethic is ingrained deep within me so when that inner voice became silent – I got worried. I still am. Being productive is intricately woven into my self-worth. It’s who I am. At least up until now it has been. But I’m trying to go with the flow more now while searching for any new types of hearing aids that may be out there to try. Meanwhile, I’ll meditate, wander in nature, watch the birds… They all help, but we’ll see. Let me know if you hear of anything.

 

Chi Varnado is working on a new YA novel about a dance studio. Her memoir, A CANYON TRILOGY: Life Before, During and After the Cedar Fire and her children’s book, The Tale of Broken Tail are available on www.amazon.com. Her collection of essays, Quail Mutterings, can be found on www.chivarnado.com. You can follow us on www.Facebook.com/gnomewoodcanyon.

QUAIL MUTTERINGS #41. Letting Go and Reassessing (August 22, 2016)

Posted on by

QUAIL MUTTERINGS #41.  Letting Go and Reassessing (August 22, 2016)

I suppose there is always some fear associated with a free fall although mine wasn’t, or isn’t, really unplanned. I knew it would be difficult. I would miss the kids as well as creating in that particular art form. After thirty-seven years of teaching dance I had decided to take down my shingle and close up shop. I still loved what I did, but there were other things that beckoned me that there simply wasn’t time for. And there never would be if I continued to hang onto something that I had been doing for so long. Granted, it was huge part of who I was, but in order to grow I needed to get out of my comfort zone and allow myself more time to be available for other things. Things like writing, being an involved grandparent, and sharing our canyon with visitors who needed an escape into nature (our new ecotourism business).
By the end of April The Dance Centre had performed its last story ballet and I had sorted, sold, donated or stored all of the costumes, equipment and accessories which had called the place home since the 1980’s. After taking the last load out and cleaning the studio I fought back tears as I locked the door behind me for the final time. Since then I’ve had to bury my feelings and only allow them to surface in manageable doses, every now and then. In the meantime plenty has happened.
On May 9th my daughter, Kali, gave birth to little Kya and I was thrilled to be there in my motherly/grandmotherly/doula capacity. It was a true honor and privilege to be there to welcome our third grandchild into the family. Kali and Edwin worked well as a team to lovingly bring their new daughter into the world. And the same midwife who had delivered all three of my kids was there to bring it around full circle. A second time. She had also been there to assist Jessie through her labor. Now, both of my daughters had home births, just as they had gone through as babies on the other end of the spectrum. My mom had been in the role which I now am in and I can only hope that my presence is appreciated as much to them as she was to me.
From late May into June Kent and I spent close to a month away. We were on the East Coast with relatives for the first week and the rest was spent in France and Italy where we branched out to experience other cultures. Towards the end of July I went with my sister and a couple of female friends to stay at our cousin’s house in Costa Rica. We managed to squeeze a week in the tropical paradise just before their house closed escrow and would be gone from us forever. Sometimes you just gotta jump on those things!
These adventures have undoubtedly helped distract me from the many mixed feelings surrounding the finished chapter of my previous dancing life. There are certain things which I am definitely happy not to have to spend my valuable time doing. The bookkeeping, for instance, and all the paper/computer work. Cleaning the studio and budgeting for advertizing. Phone calls arranging extra rehearsal times. And, my driving time. Then – occupied by figuring out what I was going to teach in the classes that day, and now – listening to books on tape, music, or better yet: quiet, uninterrupted free thoughts. I don’t have to make myself think up an order of dance moves and then try to retain it all until it could be passed on to the dancers’ bodies. Yes, I really do like having my brain space freed up for extraneous thoughts that come and go.
It’s all about balance. I need time to putter. I think it might be one of my favorite things to do. Perhaps because it’s so rare to snatch a bit of time from our busy schedules and allow ourselves the pleasure of simply drifting from one task to the next. And to use the opportunity to be mindful of our actions during the process. Kent and I like to go to Deer Park every so often to get our dose of Buddhism and practice mindfulness in a supportive community. It’s hard to be mindful when we’re running around in so many directions at once. Yesterday we acknowledged the fourteen mindfulness trainings after doing walking meditation and then listening to one of the nuns give a Dharma talk. We used headsets and listened to a translator since this week’s Dharma Talk was in Vietnamese. The trainings focus on good, honest, compassionate existence with all of creation. Just imagine if every human on the planet communicated with words of loving kindness and inclusiveness rather than dualistic, separatist talk. What a place that could be. As close a thing to utopia as I can see.
So while I continue to struggle with keeping a balance in my life between work, obligations, maintaining community and family, and taking time to just smile and breathe, I realize that it will always be so. I will constantly need to let go and reassess to maintain an equilibrium in life. At least I know that it’s something worth doing. And redoing.

Chi Varnado is a contributing writer for The San Diego Reader. Her memoir, A CANYON TRILOGY: Life Before, During and After the Cedar Fire and her children’s book, The Tale of Broken Tail are available on www.amazon.com. Her collection of essays, Quail Mutterings, can be found on www.chivarnado.com.

QUAIL MUTTERINGS #37. The Importance of Giving Back (October 16, 2015)

Posted on by

QUAIL MUTTERINGS #37.  The Importance of Giving Back (October 16, 2015)

Life is short so make it count. Don’t be a sponge on society. Pull your weight. Be all that you can be. OR. Just hang loose. Relax. Be happy. Chill out, man. What is one to actually do? Nose to the grindstone or just sit back and watch life go by? Of course, it’s a little of both. After all, isn’t life all about balance – both in and out of the dance studio? Sorry, but most of my life has centered around the dance studio so I couldn’t help but bring that into play. And what about the whole “giving back” thing, when we’re so swamped with earning a living and raising families?
I’ve been lucky. My work/career has included ‘giving’ extra time and attention to students and parents. All teachers, both during and out of class, provide their time and counsel. No question. The ‘volunteering’ is simply built into the job as well as the “time off.” A teenage student needs advice on keeping up with a demanding academic schedule while making class and rehearsals. And perhaps a job on top of that. A parent is frustrated with her child’s rebelliousness at home and wonders how they’re managing in class. But it can be a win/win for the instructor since besides providing a service it also feels good and is rewarding to be helpful to others.
At this point, in the last half of my sixth decade, after raising three children but still working more than one job, I sense the need to give back more. But it has to feel like the right thing somehow. Something important and satisfying to my soul. So when I was asked to be a docent for Ramona Grasslands, I said yes. I’ve been a San Diego County Parks and Recreation volunteer patrol for over a decade and have already been vetted for the position. We’ll be leading people into an unopened segment of the Grasslands in groups for hikers, bicyclists or trail riders depending on the Saturday. We’ll need to study the County’s management plan and brush up on our knowledge of local vegetation, wildlife and geology. Great! Just what I have time for. I’d planned on taking a French class this fall, but I guess that will go on hold. I’ll try to fit in my study of the Grasslands when I can and hope for the best.
On September 26th we did a training hike to learn the route and to gather information about the area. The journey is three miles in and three miles out. A total of six miles traversed in the middle of the day, in close to hundred degree heat. We did it though, returning in our sopping wet county issued shirts.
As our group walked through the shade of ancient oak trees, the bulls in the pasture eye-balled us suspiciously. We were careful to give them a wide berth. Cattle have been grazing on this property for over a century The old Gildred homestead boasts a solitary chimney rising up out of an old slab. Supposedly, the house had burned down from a Thanksgiving kitchen fire. At least that was what one of the rangers had heard. Acorn grinding holes speckle the nearby granite boulders. Someone pointed out the cactus. Apparently, they are commonly found near these native work sites. The old survey road continues west where I noticed a vein of granite along an east/west lying ridge. I wondered if those boulders had quartz embedded in them, like we have in our canyon. Up on a hill to the south, a flat area with pushed out dirt is visible. They used to mine molybdenite there at the Bours Deposit. It was shut down in 1918. Further along, also to the south, across a dry gorge, sheer cliffs rise upward. We’re told this creek will echo loudly if we get an El Nino this year. Another docent pointed out an old eagle’s nest near the top of this rock face.
Our community of Ramona is so fortunate to live in such a rich, natural environment. We all owe it to future generations to preserve this legacy. Besides being wild and beautiful, nature is essential for all of our survival. This is a more than worthwhile cause. It is absolutely necessary. We need to get our kids, neighbors and families outside to play and learn in the dirt. Real dirt. Not just what’s hauled in for playgrounds.
I’m looking forward to October 31st when I’ll lead my first hike back into this northwest segment of the Ramona Grasslands. I understand that anyone interested in coming along can sign up on the San Diego County Parks and Recreation website. This ‘giving back’ feels partly the other way around to me. I get to come out here and take a walk in nature with others who want to do the same. Yes indeed. It’s a win/win for all of us. Doing something important and sharing with each other. For our own lives, and for life in general, isn’t it all really about the balance of nature?

Chi Varnado is a contributing writer for The San Diego Reader. Her memoir, A CANYON TRILOGY: Life Before, During and After the Cedar Fire and her children’s book, The Tale of Broken Tail are available on www.amazon.com. Chi directs the Ramona Dance Centre. Her collection of essays, Quail Mutterings, can be found on www.chivarnado.com.